What is The Parenting Pyramid?

Developed by the Arbinger Company, the pyramid is a concept that will get you thinking about where to dedicate your time and energy as a parent. 

Oftentimes, parents feel like our number one priority needs to be correcting our child's behavior.  This is understandable.  For one thing, our child's behavior is right there, in our face, all the time. It's something we can see and hear (often quite loudly).  Correction is the low-hanging fruit of parenting - if a child is "acting up," it feels instinctual to correct that behavior and feel like our job is done. 

What if I told you that correction is the aspect of parenting you should be focusing on the LEAST?

Don't leave me yet - I'm not telling you to let your kids do whatever they feel like, or that you're doing it all wrong! 

The principles addressed in The Parenting Pyramid will probably feel right to you when you hear them explained, especially if you are a seasoned parent. You've  probably experienced them, even if you haven't put them into words.

The Arbinger Company explains: 

"Here's a summary of what the pyramid tells us

 Although correction is a part of the pyramid, it is the smallest part. 
The key to effective correction is effective teaching.
The key to effective teaching is a good parent/child relationship.
The key to a good parent/child relationship is a good husband/wife relationship.
The key to a good husband/wife relationship is our personal way of being. Indeed, this quality affects every other aspect of the pyramid; that is why it is the deepest foundation. "

 

I think you have probably already figured out #5 on your own. If you are working on being a loving, kind, joyous person, you will be a more loving, kind, joyous spouse and parent.  If you are feeling bitter, annoyed, and frustrated, you will be a more bitter, annoyed, and frustrated spouse and parent. 

The pyramid tells us that instead of coming up with a new technique for disciplining or rewarding our kids when correction isn't working like we want it to, we should look at the layer underneath it on the pyramid. In this case, that would mean going back to teaching instead of correcting. 

If the teaching isn't working, we should work on our relationship with the child. 

If the relationship is suffering, we should work on our spousal relationship. 

If that isn't working, we should work on our personal way of being. 

Our personal way of being gets the most time and attention, and it builds the foundation of our parenting.  

It sounds a little complicated and overwhelming, but I have found it to be a relief.

For example, when my teenager is pushing against our rules and teachings, I find it freeing to focus less on constantly correcting or lecturing them. I don’t want to always nag them, and it’s more of a pleasure to build warmth and trust in our relationship.  This doesn’t mean I drop our expectations or stop teaching them. I actually lean into my parenting with greater intensity, but I do it with love and compassion. I am free to treat them lovingly even though they aren’t acting like I want them to. I can find small ways to serve them without expecting gratitude. I can pray for them. I can find chances to look them in the eyes more often, with a smile on my face. I can listen and observe more carefully. I can teach even if they don’t seem to be listening, but my number one goal will be to teach in a way that builds our relationship, not in a way that digs a ditch between us. 

I am not dependent upon their choices in how I choose to spend my time - I can take action in ways that will strengthen my love for them. 

For me, action is an anxiety-buster. The pyramid lets you be your own agent. 

Many years ago, long before I had seen this pyramid, I was praying about my oldest son. Since the birth of our second son, this son, a toddler, had been slow to listen and quick-tempered. I was so frustrated with him (and probably sleep-deprived)!  

I took that frustration to God, praying for ideas of how to discipline him more effectively. I was surprised to receive an entirely different answer:

 “Be patient. Show him more love and attention. He’s had a major life change. You need more discipline, not him.” 

God taught me about a few different levels of the pyramid with that simple revelation. I needed to change my behavior before I even thought about his.  

Afterall, isn’t that what God does for us? He spends most of His time showing His love and concern for us.  He demonstrates His dedication to us. He offers us covenants and blessings in order to build a yoked relationship where we can constantly access His Spirit. As a part of his love for us, He whispers small, manageable corrections that we can handle, and offers to forgive us over and over and over again. 

I have found the pyramid helps me to have a more God-like focus. 

Join me as I write about and explore the different levels of the pyramid!

Works cited:

The Arbinger Company. (n.d.). The Parenting Pyramid. https://content.byui.edu/file/91e7c911-20c5-4b9f-b8fc-9e4b1b37b6fc/1/Parenting_Pyramid_article.pdf