Personal Way of Being....or Care for Self

The foundation of the Parenting Pyramid is "Personal Way of Being."  This is very similar to one of the six principles of the The National Model Of Parenting Education (NEPEM): Care for Self.  This is how "care for self" can be described:

"Care for self includes self-knowledge and management of life demands, as well as developing and using support systems. Parents who have learned to care for themselves effectively are more likely to provide a secure, supportive, and predictable environment for childrearing" (Parenting Education).

Let's contrast this with the phrase we often hear: self care. There are certain connotations to the term "self care." You may picture anything from getting a massage, to meditating, to eating ice cream while watching a rom-com.  Some activities that have been labeled "self care" may be helpful in contributing to a parent's care for self, while others definitely don't.  

The care for self we are talking about here is reflective of this definition:

"Self-care includes a set of practices and skills intended to both safeguard individual health and to maintain positive attitudes that promote healthy coping and continuous personal growth" (E.H. Wise, M.A. Hersh, C.M. Gibson).

With that definition, we can see why Personal Way of Being has to be the base of the pyramid - the concept that parents should focus on first and most often. A parent who nurtures their health, who works on a positive attitude, and who knows how to cope with life is one who can be relied on.  

A parent who has a steady Personal Way of Being has boundaries for themselves, and has the strength to enforce boundaries for others.

Let's look at a few different scenarios to examine how a parent might incorporate this into their lives.

Imagine Sarah, who is always tired.  She has gotten into the habit of staying up late on her phone after her children have gone to bed.  Even though she is exhausted, she feels like she needs this time to decompress, alone, in the dark.  Her children inevitably wake up five or six hours after Sarah has gone to sleep. She gets through her day with heavy caffeination, and finds that she has major slumps in the evening when it wears off.  During these slumps, she is irritable, foggy-headed, and frustrated. It affects the way she treats her children and her husband.  Then she has to put her kids to sleep, which winds her up again, and the cycle starts again. 

What changes could Sarah make to her Personal Way of Being? 

She isn't a horrible person who needs to alter their whole character. She needs physical changes that will improve her mental and emotional health. What might those changes be?

• Have her husband take over bedtime duty on certain nights, so she can use that time to decompress
• Leave her phone in the other room when she goes to bed
• After the kids go to bed, decompress in a more lasting way, like reading scriptures, writing in a journal, praying, and talking to her husband. 
• Try an earlier bedtime for the children
• Listen to soothing music
• Limit caffeine - amount and time of day
• Pray for patience and self-discipline
• If needs be, and if possible, schedule a power nap into the day

I'm sure you can think of other ways that Sarah can better care for herself in order to have a strong parenting foundation. 

Here's another parent to look at: Dave. Dave has found that he gets very anxious about work.  He lost his job a few years ago, and his self-esteem took a hit. He felt irresponsible and lost.  Even though he has a good job now, he is constantly worried that he will lose the job if he isn't a model employee. Because of this fear, he works longer hours than necessary. He takes on too much work, often pulling up his laptop at night in order to get everything done. His wife is left to bear more of the child care and housework, even when he is physically present, and it has put a strain on their relationship.

What can Dave do to change his Personal Way of Being?

• Take up meditation
• Set boundaries for times he will work
• Learn about mindfulness and practice it
• Spend time talking to his wife about his feelings
• Pray for help with his thoughts 
• Re-examine his priorities in order to remember why he is working
• Talk to his primary care doctor or a psychiatrist about his anxiety if necessary

Dave might try a few things to shift the balance of his life so that his care for self is aligned with his parenting goals. 

Let's look at one more parent: Lynn

Lynn has inattentive ADHD. She wasn't diagnosed as a child, but learned to create systems in order to keep herself on track. She was able to do so successfully when her children were small, because their needs were urgent, and therefore, something Lynn was able to focus on with intensity. Now that all of her kids are in school, she is having a hard time motivating her brain to take care of her responsibilities. She has begun putting off cleaning and cooking. She has a hard time maintaining a routine and will often pass the hours on mindless TV or reading. Even though her family is kind about her faults, she is constantly disappointed with herself, and she feels like she is letting them down. She wants to be more disciplined and better able to help their household run smoothly, but she's also sick of doing mundane things.

What can Lynn do to change her Personal Way of Being?

• Work with an ADHD coach or therapist
• Ask her husband to help her by body-doubling when he is available
• Speak to a Dr about medication adjustment
• Exercise daily, with different types of exercise
• Put a timer on and work for 15 minutes
• Consider a part-time job in order to increase urgency and create more of a routine
• Fast from TV and books
• Pray for help

Try this for yourself now. Think of a Way of Being that could be interfering with your relationships. What are some ways your might address it?

Works cited:

Parenting Education - the national model of parenting education. The National Model Of Parenting Education - Development, Child, and Effective - JRank Articles. (n.d.). https://family.jrank.org/pages/1247/Parenting-Education-National-Model-Parenting-Education.html#:~:text=To%20better%20define%20the%20essentials%20of%20effective%20parenting%2C,language%20for%20any%20person%20involved%20in%20parenting%20education.

E.H. Wise, M.A. Hersh, C.M. Gibson, Ethics, self-care and well-being for psychologists: Reenvisioning the stress-distress continuum, Prof. Psychol., 43 (2012), pp. 487-494, 10.1037/a0029446