Turn Towards Each Other - Husband/Wife Relationship

 

The second largest layer of the pyramid is the Husband/Wife Relationship.  This is the relationship that creates the family culture! The power of a unified and loving relationship between two parentings is immeasurable.  

However, in the stress of parenting, it can feel overwhelming to make this relationship a priority.  I'd like to offer some simple relationship ideas from The Gottman Institute that will be applicable across all stages of life.  

First, turn towards each other instead of away from each other. Turning towards your spouse means giving bids for connection and responding positively to bids for connection.

What is a bid for connection?

Any attempt to connect. It could be a playful pat, an invitation to sit next to them, a joke, a question, a smile, or asking for advice.  

For example, a wife may ask her husband if he wants a drink while she's getting one for herself. If the husband responds politely in any way, he is responding positively. Very simple.

By contrast, if a husband is too busy on his phone to even notice the wife's question, he has ignored her bid for connection. The chance to connect was lost. 

The Gottman Institute reminds us that:

"When you “turn towards” bids, the bidder hears:

• I’m interested in you.
• I hear you.
• I understand you (or would like to).
• I’m on your side.
• I’d like to help you (whether I can or not).
• I’d like to be with you (whether I can or not).
• I accept you (even if I don’t accept all your behavior)." (Lisitsa)

Second, you need to make regular deposits in your relationship's Emotional Bank Account

The Gottman Institute goes on to explain that how you respond to bids for connections influences how full your Emotional Bank Account will be:

"Essentially, when you turn toward your partner’s bids for connection, you are making a deposit in your Emotional Bank Account. And when you turn away from your partner, you make a withdrawal. Just like a real bank account, a zero balance is trouble, and a negative balance is the real danger zone.

An Emotional Bank Account grows when partners make more deposits than withdrawals. In a six-year follow-up study of newlywed couples, couples who remained married turned toward their partner’s bids for emotional connection 86% of the time in the lab, while those who divorced averaged 33%. The difference between happy and unhappy couples is how they manage their Emotional Bank Account.

When the Emotional Bank Account is in the red, partners tend to question each other’s intentions and feel disconnected, or even lonely" (The Gottman Institute). 

 

What are some easy ways to make deposits to your Emotional Bank Account?

• Pay attention
• Listen to understand
• Return physical touches
• Affirm their feelings
• Smile and laugh
• Express thanks
• Give compliments
• Notice how they are feeling
• Check-in throughout the day
• Joke with them
• Share a song that makes you think of them
• Write a note
• Offer to help
• Spend time together
• Look at them when they talk

Beware - to maintain a healthy balance, don't make too many withdrawals!

What are some easy ways to make withdrawals from your Emotional Bank Account?

• Criticize
• Roll your eyes
• Reject or ignore a bid for connection
• Speak harshly
• Interrupt
• Minimize their concerns
• Glare
• Pull your phone out while they are talking

The Gottman Institute reminds us that the Golden Ratio is 5:1. In order to keep  your Emotional Bank Account healthy, there needs to be five positive interactions for every negative interaction, or 5 deposits for every 1 withdrawal.  

How can you measure your bank account?

This is not an encouragement to start keeping track of every interaction, marking if it was a deposit or a withdrawal.  Score-keeping isn't healthy for any relationship. But there are usually signs that your emotional bank account may be getting low, like:

1. You find yourself assuming the worst of your spouse. If they didn't do the dishes, it's because they are a selfish jerk, not because they simply got busy and forgot. 
2. You view your relationship with a negative lens.  Everyone seems to have a better relationship than yours.
3. You don't have fun together.
4. You feel alone in your parenting.
5. When your spouse makes a bid for connection, your first instinct is to reject it. 
6. You don't feel grateful for your spouse's contributions.
7. You don't long for your spouse's presence.  

If you find that your Emotional Bank Account is running low, become more deliberate about making deposits. A healthier and more connected relationship with your spouse will make every aspect of your life easier and more pleasant - especially your parenting! 

Works cited:

The Gottman Institute. (2024, April 30). Invest in your relationship: The Emotional Bank Account. https://www.gottman.com/blog/invest-relationship-emotional-bank-account/

Lisitsa, E. (2024, March 5). An introduction to emotional bids and trust. The Gottman Institute. https://www.gottman.com/blog/an-introduction-to-emotional-bids-and-trust/